Sanctity of the Ladies’ Room: A conversation with a fellow seminarian

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good (wo)men to do nothing.

-attributed to Edmund Burke

Dear Susan,

I can’t help thinking about our conversation in the ladies’ room over 3 years ago. We were on a break during one of our seminary classes. I was trying to explain to you, a woman of colour, why I as a Caucasian, first generation Canadian of Germanic parents, was not responsible for any of the social unrest relating to racism in the USA. As class resumed, you spoke up and declared to the class that you are so tired of explaining racism. It prompted the most authentic and painful discussion of my seminary experience. The pain that was voiced from all people of colour and those of us who thought we were colourless was poignant.

My confusion on racism is related to my Canadian roots. To Canada’s credit, we do welcome other nationalities because we need immigrants to keep Canada’s economy going. Yes, I read about driving while black in the newspaper but I held the belief that the problem was resolved through public exposure and this kind of discrimination would stop. I was convinced that my family was not racist, nor was my Christian community. This was based on lack of racist verbiage, but I never considered that the lack of interaction with people of colour would be the reason that we claimed race was not an issue for us.

When filling out forms for school, or doctor’s office, or license bureau, I never had to tick a box for my race. With my recent relocation to the USA (2010), my children and I were very perplexed as to why the dentist needed to know our race and ethnicity. Soon we came to realize that this question was asked on every registration form. This was during the time of shootings of black people by white officers and the accusation of racism was featured in the news every day. I concluded that Canada’s way was better—don’t talk about race because that incites racism.

Susan, I am so sorry that I disappointed you that day. I wanted you to know that I was special, not like your average American, because I was one of the “good guys” who did not see race. My family came to Canada with nothing and made something of themselves. Being Caucasian had nothing to do with our assimilation and thriving. I wanted to prove my worthiness to be your friend, that I was not like “those” other people who stood in the way of thriving for people of colour. In justifying my self-identity as someone who sees no difference amongst people groups and me, I ended up proving my own unexamined racism.

It is coming up to four years since that blowout. The conversation has traveled with me for quite a while. Since then I have learned to do the work of understanding racism for myself. It was my college age daughter who pointed out to me that the fact that I when I was asking people of colour to explain what they mean by racism I was in fact behaving as a racist. Privileged people don’t have to work hard. I didn’t see the need for me to do the work of understanding what all the fuss was about. I expected you, Susan, to clearly state your thesis so that I could agree or make a rebuttal. I didn’t know that I was being arrogant! No wonder you had that flash of anger and frustration on your face. No wonder you spoke your peace that day. No wonder you started knitting in class and did not engage in further discussions.

I was still in my own way and thought your disengagement was selfish and unhelpful. I knew you were wise and now you weren’t sharing your keen insight with me and the rest of the class. How was I supposed to know what I did wrong if you didn’t tell me? I concluded that there is racism in the USA because people aren’t trying to talk it out. So, I just moved on.

As I continued to move through the seminary experience, I caught a glimpse of what an uninterrogated life looks like. I saw that my assumption that race is a problem only when we ask people to self-sort by race is a way to reinforce status quo was flawed. Slowly I bought into the idea that if there is evil afoot in society in the form racism then my inaction, inattention, and distancing behaviors are contributors to the problem. It is not a neutral stance to do nothing.  In other words, if I’m not part of the solution, I’m part of the problem.

Susan, I hope this helps somewhat. I am doing my own work. I’m reading The Person You Mean to Be: How Good People Fight Bias (2018). I’m working on being a “goodish” person. I ask questions about disproportionate representation of gender and race in positions of power. I’m listening to the stories of people who share their day-to-day experiences with tiny moments of discrimination that add up to a painful day. I google things like “racism and the GI Bill” and its impact on economic prosperity in Detroit suburbs. I learn from prison chaplains that people of colour do not get adequate defense counselling because the public defender system is not funded to the level of need.

I don’t think I have made great strides in curtailing my own bias, but I have engaged my family and friends in conversations about their opinions on #BlackLivesMatter, systemic racism, race-based quotas, etc. I accept the responsibility that I must seek my own enlightenment—it’s not someone else’s responsibility. I am optimistic that if I stay on this track, I will become a part of the solution.

Susan, I am sorry.